On Saturday morning I woke up to discover the news one of my closest friends had died through a few words on Facebook that I couldn't believe were true, and still can't. Mark Foster, my close friend for 24 years had died in a motorbike accident.
Of course I grieved constantly for two days but on the second day I started to write. Writing is the way I experience life, it is like talking or breathing. I cannot go through anything without writing. If I do it remains inside me like a bomb building in pressure. I have discovered this by not writing. I cannot live without writing. If I had no paper I would probably write in the dirt.
As I wrote it poured out of me. Meaning into words, feelings released onto paper, the screen-they were concrete, embodying my grief. There is something about writing that saves me. It released me.
I believe we should cry and weep when someone dies. We are so restrained in the west. I like it in the Middle East or Europe where they wail, beat themselves, scream and make noise. There should be an impact when someone dies, when someone is gone. There should be a tangible sign they have gone. When a soul leaves, somewhere there should be an effect.
I have been given writing - to save me - to bring me through these times. That is why I believe in writing for therapy. It got me through another terrible situation I had been in previously. Now, it has released my grief. I am still sad for Mark. However, I feel as if I have something of him though now. Something that will not fade. My writing about him. It is like it has embodied him on the page for me and he has not totally gone. My thoughts and feelings for him have been captured on the paper and they will always exist. It relieves me. It's like something eternal. Someone else could read them after I have gone and these would still exist. This comforts me.
I am probably being very philosophical today because of this. Death crystalises life. It seems to be in sharper focus now. The transient nature, to seek meaning, and to give to others.
To find your life, you must lose it...
I live by these words. I am going to run some writing therapy courses and some creative writing courses.
Well, until next time, may peace be in you.
